Following last week’s post of What April Taught Me, I decided to share the simple changes I will be making in May. Small things that I should be doing already (like the minimal exercise and diet change of April) but this time in my marriage.
I like being married. Correction- I LOVE being married. But I’m human and therefore a selfish jerk. (These do not always go hand in hand but most often they do, sadly enough.)
Because I love being married, and I love my husband, and I’m a selfish jerk, I listen to podcasts on marriage and being better at it, like this one...
Evidently a writer/researcher Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed a large number of couples for a project she was working on. While researching and interviewing she discovered that over 200 of the couples she was interviewing (separately from their partner) each part of the couple (wife and husband) said that they were VERY happily married. Shaunti started a separate study of these couples to figure out their secret. She put her findings in her book Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages.
Here are some of the findings.
- Happily married couples intentionally (almost habitually) realize that their spouse did not mean to hurt them. Their “other” had good intentions that just didn’t turn out good. This is one of my problems. As I mentioned here, I take a lot of things personally. My “other” forgot again the one thing I asked him to bring with him, or to complete, or to remember… and my subconscious tells me it’s because he doesn’t care enough to listen to me. When he’s quiet when I want him to talk somehow that means that he doesn’t think I deserve to hear his side of the matter. (it sounds kind of ridiculous when I see it written) Evidently, if I want to have a very happy marriage for years to come I’ve got to trust him and believe that he didn’t intend to hurt me.
- The wife in a very happily married couple finds lots of opportunities to say thank you. Even for little, daily things – she notices them and voices her appreciation. Evidently, “Thank you” to a man hits the same emotion as “I love you” does to a woman!! I’ve tried this for a week now, and- he actually has been doing MORE things for me since I started. (kinda hoping he doesn’t read that part)
- The husband in a very happily married couple find opportunities to hold his wife’s hand, or put his around around her in public, or reach out randomly to see how she is doing during the day. These things all let the wife know that he cares. Yeah, I know this is true and he’s good at this (I’m also good at making him hold my hand and put his arm around me)
- Couples in a happy marriage treat each other with a high level of kindness. They are “brutally honest” just speak honestly with other person’s best in mind. This I’ve been working on for about a year now. Ever since I realized I wasn’t getting a favorable response to brutally honest. I’ve been trying to speak truth in love.
- Finally, They keep score of what the other person is giving. Kindness reciprocates kindness, giving reciprocates giving. Try it- one interaction at a time.
They are simple things that we often forget to do. I figure, if I can dedicate April to small diet and exercise changes- how much more important is my marriage?
Try it with me this month. Believe the best of your spouse, look for opportunities to thank them. Look for ways to show you care. Treat each other with kindness.
Let me know how it goes!